Nobody thinks about the NICU, nobody gets pregnant and then thinks about what it would be like to give birth and then leave your child in the hospital after you are discharged. It just isn’t what you plan or envision…

But, it happens. Sometimes the baby is admitted for a few hours and other times for months. We knew we would mostly spend 3 months in the NICU since the girls were born 3 months early… that last trimester, I know nothing about it. Giving birth and having the baby placed on your chest, what is that like? I was not even awake when the girls were born….was I even there? Well, that is a silly question of course I was, but you get my point.

It’s their birthday! Shortly after I was aggressively (but in a nice way) milked, I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up the NICU doctor was in our room updating us on the status of the girls. Liv had a brain bleed, but it wasn’t terribly concerning, they were on breathing support and IV’s, and we could go see them in a little while. They give brain bleeds a number to correspond with the severity from 1-5, with 1 being the smallest and 5 being the most severe. At this point they graded Liv’s at a 1, we just said a prayer that it would not progress and she would not have any issues as a result.

The nurse that rushed in when Liv’s heart rate was dropping came by and we had a good cry and thanked her for being responsible for the lives of our 2 babies. The OB that delivered us came by to make his rounds and we asked him some questions. Was he here when it was time? No, he was at home when they called him. How did he get here so fast? He broke every traffic law at almost 4 am on a Sunday. They wheeled me back around 3:45 and the girls were born at 4:05 and 4:06 so that was some fast driving! We thanked him for getting to us so quickly and the day continued on. Nurses came in and checked on us, lactation came by to give me a pump and help me with any questions and we waited for them to say we could go see the girls.

Finally, it was time. The nurse suggested I hit the pain med drip before we make the trek to the NICU since I would be moving around and it might be painful. I took her advice, but that wasn’t the best idea. Apparently, Dilaudid does not sit well with me and pretty  much as soon as I got to the NICU,  I was nauseous and ready to puke. It didn’t make for the best first meeting with my babies. I peered in at them through isolettes, not sure what to do. These were my babies, but I couldn”t touch them or help them, I could only look through the isolette. I am not sure how I would describe my first meeting with my babies. They were red and skinny, Olivia was 1 lb 13 oz and Ava was 3 lbs 1 oz, so TINY.

They were covered in wires and the beeping was relentless, if not our babies the ones in the isolettes next door. Soo much beeping. The alarms go off if their heart rate dips, if it goes up too high, if they slow down/stop breathing, which happens more often than you would think or like to think. They were intubated so there were no cries, their skin is sensitive so you can’t rub just lightly touch. We were told we couldn’t hold them until their umbilical lines were removed, which turned out to be 4 days later for Liv and 8 days later for Ava. It is very nerve wracking to hold a teeny tiny baby with IV’s and breathing support. It takes at least one NICU nurse and the respiratory therapist to manage the wires and tubes and move the baby. The first time they placed Liv on my chest, I didn’t move at all for those two hours. I didn’t want to disturb any of the wires. Two hours though, and time is up. After two hours she needed to go back into the isolette to be changed and rest. The NICU gives you a schedule of what they call touch times. These are the times you can touch or hold your baby. You take their temperature, change their diaper and hold them, if holding is allowed. If not, you just keep your hands in the isolette and wind up with moments like the picture below. Olivia’s tiny hand holding mine.

Did I mention they were tiny? Here is Daddy’s hand on Ava.

Our NICU journey lasted 99 very, very long days. I will add more detail later but it consisted of ups and downs as they say all NICU stays do. One of our downs, happened on September 15. They perform head ultrasounds every so often to keep an eye on the babies and check for any issues. Liv’s brain bleed was resolving on its own and not much to worry about and up until this point Ava had passed all scans with flying colors. But that wouldn’t be the news today. I remember showing up to the hospital and one of our regular, favorite nurses was working. She told me they had done ultrasounds and the doctor was going to come speak with us . Once Michael showed up, the doctor made her rounds and told us they saw some spots on Ava’s ultrasound. They call this Periventricular Leukomalacia and showed us the scans. There were a couple small spots on her brain. The doctor told us it might cause problems for her down the road or it may not, we would just have to wait and see. Some of those problems could include cerebral palsy and to be honest, I don’t think I even knew what that was at the time. Tough news to hear. I just wanted to hold her, to pray for her to be okay and to love her. I wanted to hope that we would fall into the “it won’t cause any problems” group.  Our nurse told us her niece or nephew has cerebral palsy and just walks with a bit of a limp, to give us some hope. Hope is important, we cried a little at the shock of the news and then we turned to hope. Hope that she would be just fine. It was my turn to hold her and I just held her as tight as I could and prayed that my baby girl would be okay and she would be as smart as whip.